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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27891481">couldn’t you just water board me like a normal person</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnecessary_databass/pseuds/unnecessary_databass'>unnecessary_databass</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Give me a Luthor tv comedy series or give me death, Ratings just for language and mild psychological abuse that comes with the Luthor fam, more to come later but out of order because as we know i am anti-linear, supercorp a minor part of this tbh, this is luthorzzz at its season 4 comedy best, woulda said teen but they get mean to each other lol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:29:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,415</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27891481</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnecessary_databass/pseuds/unnecessary_databass</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if those hilarious moments between Lena and her fam of season 4 were the whole entire show? </p><p>Following the comedic drama of the drama-queen evil-scientist occasionally-following-a-moral-compass family that is the Luthors. Will Schuester vs Sue Sylvester hijinks plus sibling shenanigans will ensue.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>171</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>couldn’t you just water board me like a normal person</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lena did indeed kill Lex. Her shot was so efficient he had no time to give a dramatic monologue about failure and being a fool, so Lena never saw any dramatic slideshow about her best friend. She just watched her brother die with shock and betrayal in his eyes.</p><p>Then she felt bad. So she brought him back to life like fifteen minutes later. After she decided to bring him back to life, it was another three minutes of frantically jerry-rigging what was essentially a high-powered Automatic Electric Defibrillator complete with jolts of adrenalin and all necessary vitals. Okay, so that only halfway worked, then she gave him the Harun-El again, which fixed everything, then once she was sure he was stable, took the Harun-el back out.</p><p>"You're going to be nice to me now," Lena announced, and Lex grimaced, holding his bruised (but not filled with a bullet hole!) chest. "And I'll make sure you make a full recovery."</p><p>"You <em>shot</em> me!" Lex exclaimed, incredulous. Lena neglected to mention to him that he had a little bit of blood in his beard, which made his statement seem more like the ravings of a schizophrenic than a credible eyewitness account. Then he broke into a grin. "I didn't think you had it in you, Lena."</p><p>"Yes," Lena said dryly, spinning the Harun-El extractor around her thumb smoothly, smiling as she didn't drop or fumble it because she'd practiced that move so many times in the mirror for this moment, though admittedly she didn't think she'd have killed him and resurrected him first. "You've mentioned."</p><p>"And then you brought me back to life," Lex added, rubbing at his chest. He looked up at her once more and shrugged. "You've got my vote. You've got conviction and brains. Sure, sis, I'll be nice to you now."</p><p>Well. That was easy.</p><p>—</p><p>Lex was still dead, legally, because everyone thought he died at Shelley Island anyway. So Lena made sure all her curtains were a new version of her x-ray-vision-proof material that didn't harm Kryptonians, but showed anyone who tried to look in an empty apartment instead, thermal imaging included, and soundproofed the whole place twice for good measure. After ensuring the place could survive half the US military marching on it without giving way, she moved Lex into her apartment and gave him his own (noticeably smaller) room.</p><p>"You need three weeks bedrest," Lena told him, handing him the remote to a (thoroughly offline and nearly ancient) DVD player for the large flatscreen at the foot of his bed. "I got you Kara's DVD collection. And a security tape video of you hauling the Daily Planet big golden globe above your head, because you looked super dumb when you did it, like a baby Sisyphus who was super bad at his job."</p><p>Lex narrowed his eyes. "Kara…"</p><p>"Whatever you're going to say, let's remember you promised to be nice to me."</p><p>Lex sighed. "I did, didn't I?" He eyed his sister up and down. "Speaking of which, you look very nice. Hot date?"</p><p>Lena pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and shifted her weight. "It's none of your business."</p><p>"What?" Lex yelped. "You're giving me house arrest and you're not going to let me be supportive! Come on! I promise only to tease to the level of a slightly abusive family. Like, a verbally abusive but not psychologically manipulative family level tease."</p><p>Lena sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I stocked the pantry with twinkies for you."</p><p>"Don't change the subject," Lex whined. "Also can you bring me one or twelve? I'm supposed to be on bedrest, don't you know."</p><p>"Get it yourself and I'll tell you about the date when I get back."</p><p>Lex's face split into a grin. "Deal."</p><p>"Also, Mom will be here to check on your vitals and healing in an hour." Lena left laughing at Lex's crestfallen face, calling out behind her, "I'd suggest you have a damn good explanation for your matricide plans, because I told her all about those and she had access to my neurotoxin stash for a whole day not too long ago."</p><p>"Lena! You can't leave me like this! <em>Lena</em>!"</p><p>—</p><p>Kara's beam as Lena walked up to the restaurant was brilliance tinged with nervousness.</p><p>A sun about to explode, Lena thought idly, walking up to her, admiring the dress that showed off her figure. "Hello, Kara," she said, smiling, and Kara's returning smile was a smidge too wide for her face.</p><p>"You made it," Kara said in reply, and Lena frowned in amusement.</p><p>"You did ask me out, right?"</p><p>"Yes!" Kara yelped, then winced at her own volume. "Sorry." She smiled sheepishly at Lena. "Yes. Hi."</p><p>"Hi," Lena said, smiling back at her. Then she felt her phone buzz for the fifteenth time that minute and sighed. "Sorry," she said, frowning at her purse. "Let me just make sure no one's dying real quick."</p><p>Kara chuckled. "No worries.</p><p>
  <em>Lex: she's got her frowny voice</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: why'd you send her</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: ISNT SHE SUPPOSED TO BE IN PRISON</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: SHES A KILLER LENA</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: I KNOW THAT’S HYPOCRITICAL AND ALL BUT SHE IS</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: LOCK HER BACK UP</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: DID YOU BUY HER PRISON</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: omg did you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: are you making it all eco friendly and actually just and shit now</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: proud of you? But lock her back up</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: oh that’s right you both escaped from the white house riiiight I was there for that</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: also can I just have the harunel again pretty please</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: I wont tease you about your date and we can go have fun at all my little bases</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: shit shes walking in</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: shit shes gonna pretend she doesn't know and it'll be all awkward until I confess and come up with some explanation or something</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: SAVE ME</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lena: honestly</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lena: pull it together and face the consequences</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lena: one night, lexie. I want one night of peace.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: I can't do this come home</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lena: be a man. Or I'll shoot you again. And let you die for real. Slowly this time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lex: I hate you</em>
</p><p>"Everything okay?" Lena startled at Kara's voice, looking up to see Kara frowning at her rapidfire thumbs. "Someone need your help?"</p><p>"No," Lena said, clicking her phone off and tucking it away firmly on silent. "Someone who needs no help is just being dramatic."</p><p>Kara smiled, and opened the door with a flourish. "Shall we go in?"</p><p>Lena let Kara pull her chair out for her in the private, secluded booth (she admitted to using her old Cat connections to get the table) and take her coat. It was all very charming. Kara was very nervous, and it made Lena forget about Lex and Lillian probably wreaking havoc on her apartment (as long as they didn't look in the other safe under her bed or find her edibles hidden in the fake bag of kale chips, she was good repairing any damage with the money from Lex's accounts) and just enjoy being on a date with a girl she'd liked for such a long time. Butterflies weren't all evil.</p><p>"So," Kara said finally, once they'd ordered, picking at the fancy bread and butter with a lackluster enthusiasm that made Lena concerned, "I, uh, I have something to tell you."</p><p>Lena's stomach dropped out. <em>She knows. She knows I killed and resurrected Lex. Shit. I wasn't planning to tell her for another week.</em> "You can tell me anything," Lena managed meekly.</p><p>Kara gave her a perfunctory grateful smile that didn't reach her eyes. "You say that now," she muttered darkly, before nodding to herself and straightening. "Okay, I don't know if you'll hate me for this, but, I have to tell you. It wouldn't be right not to, and I've kept it from you for far too long for selfish reasons anyway."</p><p>"Kara, what are you--"</p><p>Kara pulled off her glasses abruptly. "I'm Supergirl," she told Lena, her face going red with suppressed tears.</p><p>—</p><p>"OUCH! Stop hitting me and let me explain!"</p><p>Lillian laughed ruthlessly, her ion cannon arm extension from the LEXOSuit aimed at Lex's shield arm. "Explain how you were trying to kill the mother that birthed and raised you?" She laughed again, her mouth not moving at all like Moira from the Schitt's Creek episode he had just been watching, and Lex grimaced at the shrill, manic sound. "I'll believe it when I start planting my own peonies, Lexie."</p><p>"Stop calling me that! You got Lena onto it too! I hate that nickname!"</p><p>"Good!" Lillian shouted back, blasting him with another ion shot that he deflected into Lena's TV. Oops. "Then I guess this is a good time to tell you that your beard is ugly, too!"</p><p>Lex gasped, his shield dropping for a half second. "<em>Mother</em>! You take that back!"</p><p>—</p><p>Lena didn't know how to react. But she knew one thing.</p><p>"Then before I judge you," she whispered, eyes dropping, "I need to tell you that I'm the one who killed Lex."</p><p>"Lena, no, I did that, that was me--"</p><p>"He used his transmat portal watch to get out of there. You didn't see a body. I knew where he'd go. I met him there. I shot him. And then," she said, eyes raising back up to meet Kara's stunned ones, "I felt bad, and I brought him back to life. He's in my apartment now."</p><p>"He's--your--"</p><p>Kara was stuttering, floundering, and Lena wasn't doing any better as the world got pulled out from under their feet, each by the other’s confessions.</p><p>—</p><p>"I can explain!" Lex shouted, crouched behind Lena's massive armchair. The ion cannon arm was suspiciously silent, and Lex peeked around the chair, bald head gleaming, to chance a glance. He groaned. "Drones, mother, <em>really</em>?"</p><p>Lillian, seated nonchalantly on Lena's kitchen counter with a remote control in her hand, smiled and shrugged. "What can I say, dear? Everyone loves drones. They're the future."</p><p>"Shit!"</p><p>Lex leapt out from behind the chair and onto Lena's balcony, cursing more as the drone fired after him, shooting holes in everything and shattering glass. He punched the buttons on his LEXOSuit arm as the drone chased him, Lillian smiling serenely from her perch as she called after him, "Careful around the broken glass, dear! You always did have sensitive feet!"</p><p>”Stop it! You know that’s the thing I’m sensitive about!”</p><p>—</p><p>"I think we'll take the check early," Kara was saying numbly to the server, eyes huge and glassy, and the waitress nodded, half-alarmed, and hurried off.</p><p>"Kara, I don’t--"</p><p>"I don't blame you," Kara cut her off abruptly. "I get it. All of it. I think you were acting in every moment on your highest sense of right. It was brave. It was, it was honorable, actually. I don't know if you can forgive me, though."</p><p>"For lying to me?" Lena shook her head slowly. "It's going to take some time to get used to it, I think, but I get it too, I get it all--"</p><p>"The check, ma'am's."</p><p>Kara jumped like a frightened rabbit at the intrusion, and Lena cursed as she startled, fishing in her purse to pull out a wad of hundred dollar bills, throwing them on the table and chasing after Kara as Kara ran out.</p><p>—</p><p>Lex rose up a foot off the balcony, fully encased in his original LEXOSuit, and glared at his mother. Lillian glared right back, undeterred, and pressed a button on her drone remote. Lex spun around as the buzzing sound increased behind him, seeing a hundred drones light up the night sky, all guns aimed directly at him.</p><p>"Oh come <em>on</em>!" he shouted, and Lillian stepped leisurely towards the balcony to better control the drones aiming to maim or seriously injure (and hopefully kill) her son.</p><p>—</p><p>"Kara, wait!"</p><p>Kara spun around in the deserted alley, and all Lena could feel was frustration at so many things not going her way and her no longer caring over the past few months. She wanted one thing right now, and one thing only, and she was going to get it. Lena stalked up to her, and Kara backed up under the force of her gaze, right up until she hit a wall, and her eyes widened as Lena leaned in close.</p><p>"I don't care about any of it," Lena breathed, and then she kissed her.</p><p>—</p><p>Lex spun and twisted in midair gracefully, shooting and taking out drones left and right in fiery explosions that despite the danger were nonetheless soothing on the soul, but for every one he knocked from the sky, there seemed to be two more. He felt like Spiderman Far From Home, except way cooler, but also, this kind of sucked.</p><p>"I can <em>explaiiiiiin</em>," Lex sang to the sky, but when Lillian ignored him, he just sighed and cranked up Frank Sinatra. The LEXOSuit would always be good for some things, it seemed.</p><p>More drones exploded in splashes of color and heat against the dark night sky as they continued their dance.</p><p>—</p><p>Kara kissed her back just as passionately, pushing off the wall instantly, and Lena melted into her. Kara's hands flew around her waist, her back, wrapped her up tight, pulled her off her feet, lips locked together. Lena's knees fought against her dress victoriously to wrap around Kara's waist as Kara pulled her closer, tighter. It was electric. Nothing mattered. Lena could feel booms thudding deep in her chest, could feel fireworks.</p><p><em>Oh</em>.</p><p>Oh<em> no.</em></p><p>Lena pulled away slowly from Kara, wanting anything but that, and looked up at the fireworks, recognizing them in an instant as those are not normal fireworks.</p><p>Kara followed her gaze just as slowly, and smiled that heart-melting smile. "Just for us," she whispered, and Lena wanted to smile all dopey at her and also shake some sense into her apparently dumber-than-corn now-girlfriend.</p><p>"No," Lena moaned, dropping her head to Kara's shoulder in a moment of resignation. "That's my psycho family."</p><p>—</p><p>Supergirl swooped out of nowhere, arms wrapping around the LEXOSuit like a vice, crushingly tight. Lex swore even more colorfully as he heard his machinery crunch and fizzle under the Kryptonian grip. Worst of all, Frank Sinatra's voice turned all tinny like an Alvin and the Chipmunks cover before going silent.</p><p>"Excuse me, I am fighting for my life, here!"</p><p>"Easy, prizefighter," Supergirl said, flying them back over to Lena's balcony. "I've got it covered." Lex looked around to find she was right--the drones had gone still and stopped shooting at him, and standing on the balcony was a coldly bored looking Lena holding a remote and Lillian frowning as she mashed the buttons on her drone controls.</p><p>"Mother, honestly, you didn't think I'd let you kill him, did you? And undo all my hard work?"</p><p>—</p><p>Supergirl left with a weirdly charged glance at Lena, and Lena rolled her eyes.</p><p>"I'm assuming you two both know her secret identity?"</p><p>"Of course I do."</p><p>"Duh."</p><p>Lena rolled her eyes again. "I do, too, and she was my date tonight, which the two of you so rudely interrupted with your little fight to the death." She scanned the apartment, inspecting the damage, before leveling them both with her withering gaze, never mind that she was technically the youngest. "Do you two have anything to say for yourselves?"</p><p>"She started it!" Lex burst.</p><p>"Matricide!" Lillian hissed at him.</p><p>"I see," Lena said coolly. "Do you need me to hire you two a relationship therapist? Or can you work this out amongst yourselves like adults?"</p><p>"Are we just going to gloss over the fact that Lena's banging a Kryptonian here?"</p><p>"Don’t deflect," Lillian admonished him sharply. "Or she'll really make us go to a therapist. Besides," she added, eyeing Lena up and down, "It's excellent news--I'm obviously off the hook for paying off the middle school boyfriend to never speak to her again now she’s clearly an out-and-proud lesbian, but anyway, I doubt they got to it tonight, she looks far tightly strung."</p><p>"Of course that’s the thing you got from me dating Kara,” Lena muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. She raised her head again and glare. “One more comment," Lena warned, "And both of you will be dead, no revival, by morning. It's your choice."</p><p>"Hey!" Lex said, literally pointing a finger at Lillian across the counter, "I was being only verbally abusive, not psychologically! My comment was mild and non-scarring! It could even have been taken as loving, in the right humorous context! Hers was borderline homophobic, which we all know is beyond our usual levels of cruelty."</p><p>"Point," Lena acknowledged, "Dramatic though every word of it was. But still a deflection. Back on topic." Lex made a face but was quiet. "You two need to work out your issues."</p><p>"<em>Matricide</em>!" Lillian hissed again.</p><p>"You just tried to kill me too!" Lex yelled, lights shining off his bald head. "What's the word for trying to kill your child, Lena?"</p><p>"Filicide," Lena supplied, and he nodded vehemently, clearly doubly upset because he’d also forgotten a Latin-based word.</p><p>"<em>Filicide</em>!" He threw back at Lillian. "Or, or--<em>Lexocide</em>!"</p><p>"Double points for wordplay," Lena said, nodding, and Lex nodded again as Lillian rolled her eyes in exasperation.</p><p>"Thank you!"</p><p>"You still tried to kill me when I'd done nothing to you!" Lillian hissed at him.</p><p>"Other than the absolutely abusive childhood and the killer genes, you mean?" Lex asked, scoffing.</p><p>"Oh, don't be such a snowflake," Lillian scolded, looking disgusted. “You’re starting to sound like the average American voter.”</p><p>"This had better start going in a productive way, or I'm going to call in a therapist in thirty seconds," Lena warned.</p><p>Lex clenched his jaw, same as Lillian, before sighing. "It was strategic, okay? You could have exposed me and taken me down when I was on the cusp of everything. You're the only one who I considered to have a real shot at debunking my plan and making countermoves quickly enough."</p><p>Lena looked at Lillian—and was shocked to see Lillian was tearing up. "Oh," Lillian said quietly, then got up off her stool to round the counter and fling her arms around Lex. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."</p><p>"<em>Really</em>?" Lex looked half-disgusted, half-incredulous, glancing at Lena to share her disbelief, before schooling his face into something more contrite. "I mean, yes." He patted Lillian's arms, his face arranged into a mildly convincing pout of dubious motivation. "I am, ah, so <em>very</em> scared of you. <em>That's</em> why I had to kill you."</p><p>"I understand, my beautiful boy," Lillian assured him tearfully, squeezing tighter. “Oh, I understand completely.” </p><p>Lena pinched the bridge of her nose. "I hate this family," she muttered. "Clean this all up by tomorrow. I'm calling Kara."</p><p>——</p><p>So, Lex being alive and Lillian being chill with them became a Division/6Underground type situation. "Lena! This is the best!" Lex told her as she walked in after work one day, delighted. "I stole two different corrupt dictator's entire wallets online this week!"</p><p>"I saw," Lena said, putting the groceries on the kitchen counter. "I also re-stabilized their regimes, because people under them would suffer if they collapsed that completely, that quickly. Why don't we work together to take them down in a way that doesn't destabilize their entire nation?"</p><p>"Really?" Lex asked, tilting his head in consideration. "That sounds like a lot of work. I mean, I did it to Kaznia and it took a while, you know."</p><p>"I do know," Lena said. "But I have no interest in the responsibilities that come with ruling small nations, and I don't think you do either, so why don't we put in the work to profit off a world running well later, and make sure those countries have the chance to run well now."</p><p>Lex looked intrigued. "I get to pick the countries."</p><p>"Done. I get final say on the plans <em>before</em> you do anything, and I mean <em>anything</em> to them. We can work out the details after you get me a main plan."</p><p>Lex grinned. "This should be fun!" He cracked every knuckle in his body in quick succession as he stretched in preparation, then paused as an idea occurred to him. "Aw, you just want me out of your hair so your girlfriend can come over and you can bang."</p><p>Lena rolled her eyes. "That's not the--okay, that's not the <em>only</em> reason."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>More chapters someday I’m sure, I have plenty more notes. </p><p>Want to see something ridiculous? Let me know. I’m sure I‘ll be missing opportunities all over the place.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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